


Man To Man

by Ladytalon



Series: The Doctors Light [22]
Category: DCU, Justice League of America
Genre: F/M, Gen, Humor, Kid Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-12
Updated: 2011-01-12
Packaged: 2017-10-14 16:58:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/151469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladytalon/pseuds/Ladytalon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kimiyo wants Arthur to teach her son about the facts of life - Yasu doesn't really want to hear it and Arthur doesn't really want to be saying it, but a promise is a promise.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Man To Man

Someone somewhere didn't like him all that much, Arthur Light decided, though 'somewhere' was his very own bed and 'someone' had turned out to be the beautiful woman snuggling against him as if she hadn't a care in the world.

Of course she hadn't, because she'd foisted them all off onto _him_.

"He already has a father," he said cautiously, hoping that if he just reminded Kimiyo of that indisputable fact she might relent and possibly say that it had completely slipped her mind. "What about-"

"Izumi is hardly qualified to teach him about it."

"He's better qualified than I am," Arthur protested. "Miko, I first learned about sex from the graffiti on the walls of the school bathrooms. My mother insisted for years that I'd come from a magical flying bassinet."

His bride lifted her head just enough to give him the evil eye. "Arthur, I'd like you to talk to Yasu."

Arthur sighed. "Iron Fist hath spoken."

"Yes, she hath."

Kimiyo settled back down and fell asleep while he glared up at the ceiling. His afterglow was shot to hell thanks to Kim deciding that he would be the one to have The Talk with Yasu – he'd barely caught his breath when she'd dropped the bomb on him, and now she was fast asleep while he stayed awake agonizing over just what he was supposed to tell the kid. The object of his wrath nuzzled him in her sleep and sighed in contentment. _Must be nice_ , he thought sourly.

In the morning, after he'd all but destroyed the snooze button on the alarm clock and dragged himself out of the warm spot Kim had vacated earlier, Arthur rubbed his eyes and attempted to cheer himself up with the thought that she just might have forgotten all about it.

A quick check of the calendar showed that he was due at Belle Reve thirty minutes ago – that was fine because Waller had a digital clock on her desk and he could manipulate the diodes into different positions so he'd actually be 'early.' A shower and shave later, he walked into the kitchen tugging on his gloves only to find that Kim had left a pink Post It note on his helmet. It was decorated with a crude drawing of a bird and a bee. He scribbled it out and drew a small picture of a moses basket with wings, slapped it on the refrigerator door, and hurled himself into a chair to scowl at his oatmeal.

The rest of the day was spent getting in trouble for being late (Waller had upgraded all the clocks to analog, the cow), attending briefings that never seemed to end, and working through combat scenarios with Deadshot and Flag. The former was more interested in bragging about his latest spate of debauchery, and it was from him that Arthur got the idea.

He arrived at the apartment before the kids got home from school and brought Piper to babysit Imako while Arthur had The Talk with his stepson. When Yasu got there, Arthur leaned in the doorway of the kid's room. "Kim asked me to talk to you about something."

Yasu hunched his shoulders, looking like a cornered animal. "I didn't do it."

"Didn't do what?"

"Nothing."

"As long as 'nothing' isn't something you're going to blame me for, I won't ask further. Get your coat; we're going shopping."

"For what?" Yasu asked curiously, pulling his coat on and zipping it up.

Arthur tried to look as mysterious as possible. "Knowledge."

They walked out the door past Imako, who was busy playing with the rats Piper had sworn would be left outside, and Arthur teleported both of them to Central City. Yasu trailed along behind him into The Queen Bee, one of the higher-end strip clubs in town. "I don't think I'm supposed to be in here," Yasu said, goggling at a scantily clad woman walking past them with drinks on a tray.

"Don't worry about it," Arthur said dismissively, signaling to another waitress who smiled and made her way back over after serving the group sitting beside one of the stage areas.

"Artie! Haven't seen you around for ages, hot stuff – what can I get you boys?" She winked at Yasu, who blushed and looked down at his shoes.

He ordered a beer for himself and a rum and Coke (minus the rum) for Yasu. "So," Arthur began. "Sex."

The kid's face nearly turned purple. "Um."

"I'm not going to act as if I know all there is to know about it, so you can relax. I know you don't want me talking to you about it – well, guess what? I don't want me talking to you about it. Almost everyone knows the basics – Tab A going into Slot B – and if you don’t know the mechanics of it by now you'd be better off joining a monastery."

"So why are you even talking to me now?"

"I promised your mother."

"You just talked to me. Does this mean we can go back now?" Yasu asked hopefully.

"Not a chance. She wanted me to talk to you, but she wasn't very specific… that means I'm going to pass along some knowledge whether you want me to or not." Sandy came back with their drinks and pointed to the stage inquiringly, and Arthur nodded. "Which one do you want? They have Supergirl, Zatanna, Poison Ivy – she costs extra because of the green paint…"

Yasu looked like he was about to hyperventilate. "I-I don't…"

Sandy smiled and flipped the empty tray beneath her arm. "How about Black Canary? She's new."

"Black Canary it is," Arthur decided upon seeing Yasu's mortification reach new heights. He couldn't remember the last time he'd had such an almighty hangup about sex and despite the fact that it was highly entertaining to witness, he figured he could cut the boy some slack. "There's one thing I just can't figure out – didn't your father ever talk to you about this?"

Yasu nodded.

"Well, what did he say?"

"He said that if I had any questions, to ask him."

"That's _it_?"

"He was busy," Yasu said defensively.

"Okay, that's…fine. That's great."

Arthur sat back, lapsing into silence as 'Black Canary' came out in spike heels and a leather something-or-other. Yasu, most likely just to keep from watching instead of having a real need for conversation, turned towards him. "It doesn't sound like you think it's great," he said, then bit his lip.

"This is the last time I'm going to tell you this," Arthur said. "If you have something you want to say to me, go ahead and say it. I'm not your father. I _do_ want you to be respectful of your mother – if you're not and I hear about it, I'll kick your scrawny ass all the way to the Watchtower."

Yasu looked as if he wanted to say something about that, but dropped his eyes. When he glanced back up, Arthur arched his eyebrows and Yasu finally spit it out. "But _you're_ disrespectful to her."

"Sometimes I am, yes," Arthur admitted. "Most of that just goes with the territory, but she knows I never truly mean it. Okay, let's just get this over with; I'm going to use the generic 'she' for this because I have no idea what your preference is and I'm betting you don't, either."

"First lesson: if you want a woman to sleep with you, don't give her expensive gifts – she'll just run off with them and you'll have nothing to show for it but a depleted bank account and an erection. You ask nicely, pretend you care about something _they_ care about, and bring them flowers when they're not expecting it. Or you can just pay them about sixty dollars. Your choice… and speaking of money, why don't you go up there and give her this? She won't bite."

Yasu took the bills from Arthur's hand and extended them to 'Black Canary' hesitantly, hurling himself back into his chair after she took them and blew him a kiss.

"Keep your sperm to yourself – I can't stress this one enough. You're the only one who really cares about it, so it's up to you to make sure it doesn't go places it shouldn't. It's your responsibility to wear a condom, even if he or she says it's okay not to. If you get a girl pregnant and she doesn't particularly _want_ to be, she will try to kill you. If you give _anyone_ venereal disease, they will try to kill you.

If you're lucky enough to have a partner who decides to perform oral sex upon you, give a ten second warning…just remember that a very important part of yourself is extremely close to their teeth, and you should be fine."

"If it's so dangerous, then why do it in the first place?" Yasu asked curiously, still darting blushing glances towards the woman wiggling her ass in their direction.

Arthur set his beer down, trying not to laugh. "That's something you'll find out for yourself one day.

There are a few more words of wisdom I'm going to give you, so pay attention. Always have an escape route planned. If an angry member of the family - or just an enraged spouse with a handgun - doesn't appreciate that you are in bed with whoever you are in bed with, you will need an unobstructed exit.

It's also a good idea to ask before sticking anything into a place it doesn't usually go. If you're not sure what end is up, turn on the light and save yourself some unpleasantness. Lastly, it would be extremely idiotic for you to expect that your partner is completely hairless on their business end – real women don't look like that so it's best not to get your hopes up if you decide that like that sort of thing. Any questions? No…? Finish your drink."

He leaned forward to hand the stripper a few twenties and dropped a tip for Sandy on the table as Yasu put his empty glass down. "Are we going back now?"

"Not just yet – I told you we're going shopping."

"For knowledge?" Yasu grinned impudently, trailing after him.

 _Why, you little_ … "No, for porn." Weaving a light-image of a young man, Arthur settled it around Yasu and eyed him before pronouncing himself satisfied. "I catch you duplicating this to do something illegal, there's going to be trouble."

"I don't know what you're-"

"Save it - the other night it looked like you had a disco ball inside your room."

"Why were you looking in my room?" Yasu asked suspiciously.

"You have a window, I was outside and don't try to turn this on _me_ , you little jerk." He stopped in front of a shop with blacked out windows, and pushed open the door. Digger Harkness was leafing through a magazine on the far side of the store, and Arthur saw at least two more Rogues wandering around the place. "Go look around," he instructed.

Yasu slunk off in the general direction of the magazine racks while Arthur went to talk to Leonard Snart. "Taking them on a field trip, Lenny?"

Cold looked up from his perusal of _Wet, Wild, and Woolly 3_. "What'n the hell are _you_ doing here?"

"The Talk," Arthur said, nodding towards where his stepson was peeling back the pages of Hustler back issues and peeking inside before jerking back and looking around to make sure no one was watching him. "Apparently Rising Sun didn't feel up to the task, so I got saddled with it."

Lenny snorted. "You tell him about that time in Alcatraz when the lust demon showed up and everyone started-"

" _No_ , and it will remain unsaid," Arthur said. "What _is_ that dvd?"

"Ice Age porn. The last one had this woolly mammoth puppet, and it…hey, where are you going?"

Arthur plucked Yasu's latest acquisition from his hands, glanced at it, and gave it back. "If Lenny ever wants to show you an educational film about the Ice Age, tell him 'no thanks.'" He scanned the racks before picking out a half-dozen magazines that weren't _too_ explicit, chose a few of the older softcore dvds from a nearby table, and jerked his chin towards the register. "Let's go."

Yasu trotted along beside him as they left, his eyes straying towards the white plastic bag until Arthur simply handed it over. "That stays in your room – keep it out of your dresser drawers and out from under your mattress, because those are the first places anyone's going to look. Also, don't tell your mother."

"About what?"

"Any of it."

"Okay."

Arthur dissolved the boy's disguise and teleported them back to Blůdhaven, where Kimiyo was waiting out on the front stoop of the apartment building. "Get in there with your sister and figure out what you want for dinner – if you don't decide by the time we come back in, your _mom's_ going to cook."

Kimiyo gave him a mock-scowl for using her as his threat, and Yasu paused before going in. "Thanks."

"Sure. Now get out of my sight."

"What was all that about?" Kim wondered as he sat down beside her and draped an arm across her shoulders while she leaned against him. "What did you do, take him to a strip club?"

"Don't be ridiculous," Arthur advised her, smiling into her hair.


End file.
